Recently, I found out that my undergraduate alma mater is closing its doors forever. Over the past few weeks I’ve seen several social media posts from alums who seem heartbroken about it. At best, I have mixed feelings, but ultimately, I am not sad in the least.
For those who do not know, I went to Eastern Nazarene College (ENC) which was affiliated with the Nazarene denomination of protestant Christianity. It is a conservative church that had a somewhat rigid dogma and taught that dancing, going to movies, having pre-marital sex and drinking alcohol were sins and they were all forbidden activities at the college. Homosexuality was also considered a sin, although it was treated as a far more sinister thing than the others.
It may sound crazy to some that I chose to go to this kind of a school. But I went to a local Nazarene church for a few years when I was in high school and made several friends there. I was brought up in a Christian home with very loving parents, and I also considered myself a Christian. It was my experience and what I knew. So, choosing ENC wasn’t a stretch. And the fact that it was in Boston made it that much more appealing.
I attended and lived in its dormitories for four years where I had the privilege of learning from some truly terrific academics, especially my sociology professor. And I had the displeasure of being under the tutelage of some truly terrible ones, such as the head of the social work department who said that the only home she would never place a child in for foster care or adoption was one with LGBTQ+ parents. She wasn’t an outlier in her beliefs. It was part of the “holiness” culture to look down on others as not quite holy enough or as outright sinners.
I remember chatting with a guy on my dorm floor about homosexuality. When I asked him how he thought Jesus would react to a gay person, he said without hesitation that he would “turn his back on him”. I was aghast at the ease of his reply. That he found this one, so-called “sin” so much more revolting than the others. Pre-marital sex? Adultery? none of these elicited the same reaction.
At the annual Junior/Senior banquet I recall a slide show presentation of campus life put on by the seniors for the junior class, where a popular senior recounted a quip he made in philosophy class during a discussion of homosexuality. His “argument” in the debate, which he apparently found quite witty, was simply: “the anus is an exit, not an entrance”. The banquet hall erupted in laughter. This was the dehumanizing or degrading way that we were talked about, as sinister ghouls or the punchline of a crude joke.
It was at ENC where I went through one of the worst bouts of depression in my life. When I was in my freshman year I internalized the lie that I was an abomination, something heralded by the doctrine of the church. I prayed nightly for God to change me. He didn’t. And I almost didn’t survive that year.
The worst part of being at this very Christian school was that I had to hide who I was to virtually everyone, except some of my closest friends. And even with them, I was cautious. If anyone found out, I would either be expelled or be required to submit to some kind of horrid and abusive conversion “counseling” in order to remain there. This was the atmosphere of this supposedly loving place. One of isolation and fear.
But somehow in my time there I was elected president of the social work association, became co-editor of a poetry magazine, wrote editorials for the school newspaper that were most definitely considered radical or leftist, and I took part in several social justice actions against war, capitalism and environmental destruction. And this shy boy was able to delve into a love of acting and singing by joining the A Capella choir and several theatre productions of plays and musicals.
And in my senior year something changed in me spiritually and emotionally. I ceased caring about what people thought of my queerness. I took a job in Boston which thankfully got me off campus more and into an exciting city. I got my own dorm room, ditched the kitsch Christian posters and decorated it with art and more mature furnishings, bought fashionable clothes and started to feel more confident in my “worldly” worldview.
I also had my first intimate sexual experience at ENC in the privacy of my own room. It’s difficult to explain the thrill of doing something like that in defiance of an institution’s repressive rules, inhuman culture and banal medievalism. Of finally being able to be oneself. It was a beautiful experience that filled me with joy and that I revel in to this day.
After I graduated from ENC I went to a graduate school back in New York that was the polar opposite. I had professors who were bold in their social justice stances. There were no outdated paternalistic roles for genders. No one snooped into my private life or accused me of being a sinner or an abomination. And I could be completely out of the closet and celebrated for who I was. What a difference it made for the direction of my life.
As ENC closes its doors I find myself remembering those days. It’s not that I regret going there. After all, I made a lifelong friends. And I think it made me a stronger person. However I do often wonder how things might have been different for me. Would I have been able to become the person I am now much sooner? Would I have gained more confidence in myself than I do now? I’ll never know.
We are living in a time where the Queer community is under constant attack from reactionary elements in society. In the US, hundreds of laws are either on the books or are in the pipeline that blatantly discriminate against LGBTQ+ people. The rhetoric amongst conservative politicians and media personalities has become a cauldron of vicious lies and demonization. So, it is through this lens that I see ENC with a more critical eye.
ENC played a big part in shaping who I am today, but it is a chapter in my life I will gladly close forever.
Kenn Orphan, July 2024